Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Jeff Dunham and Ajmal, the Dead Terrorist

For those without context, check out ventriloquist Jeff Dunham's Achmed, the Dead Terrorist act. What follows is a similar satire on the execution of Ajmal Kasab for 26/11 terrorist attacks in Mumbai. Reader discretion advised.

(The following transcripts are taken from Jeff's private notes. The act was apparently rejected because it was not really funny.)

J - Good evening Ajmal
A - Goo *BURRPP**

J - It's not polite to burp a greeting Ajmal.
A - I know, I am sorry Jeff, it's just that the last biryani meal I had before I was hung didn't really agree with me.

J - (smiling) You mean, before you were "hanged".
A - hanged - hung - what's the difference?

J - Well, there's a joke going around that ... never mind. So you're a terrorist, eh?
A - No, I am not. I am a Jihadi.

J - Oh ok, jee-had-he.
A - No, no, no one "had" anyone. It's G - haaadh - E.

J - Okay, okay. So Ajmal, can you tell us how you became a Jihadi?
A - Oh, I used to love "The Kardashians" show, how those bitches threw tantrums and got whatever they wanted! I was really pissed when my dad didn't buy me clothes on Eid, in spite of me being a boy! So I ran away.

J - You're being sexist Ajmal.
A - I am Sexist and I know it! Wiggle wiggle wiggle...

J - Stop! Stop wiggling! So what happened after you ran away?
A - I borrowed some money from banks, vacant houses, random people at gunpoint and did other cool shit. One day, I was eating chana from a paper cone and I unrolled it to find a deal that would bring shame to your crap Thanksgiving offers!

J - Oh ya, what was it?
A - They were offering some advanced machine guns, commando-style training, swimming-sailing lessons and a truckload of virgins as a posthumous reward... ALL for killing some infidels!

J - Ah I see, you get to engage in sex and violence without any repercussions. Sounds like a plot line for Game of Thrones.
A - Hey, I'm a big fan of GoT! I used to watch it on the Plasma TV in my cell! I think they based the character of Joffrey on me!

J - Nice. So, we all know what happened next. You were the only one among your friends to get captured alive for the massacre in Mumbai.
A - Hey, they didn't "capture" me! I gave in because I had seen so many of those 'Incredible India' commercials with the punchline 'Atithi Devo Bhav', I wanted to try out Indian hospitality!

J - I doubt they did that.
A - No way! They loved me in India! A special high-security prison cell, the media discussed what food I ate, what fashion accessories I wore, what time I took a shit! They even had pages of me on Facebook to speed up the legal process and hand me over to Allah and the promised 72 virgins! I am scripting my role for Ram Gopal Varma's next film on my heroics. He promised me 28 more virgins to make it a neat 100!

J - Don't you ever feel bad for your deeds?
A - Now you sound like the Mullah who kept visiting me at odd times, especially when I was busy playing first-person shooter games on my XBox.

J - Hmm. What about your family?
A - The AQ paid them. I hope my dad doesn't throw a fit now about buying stuff for my siblings.

J - I've heard the AQ are promoting you as a martyr around your village?
A - Yup, they are gonna build my statue! I sure hope they show me hung *wink, wink*

J - Eh, do you know they are celebrating your death in India?
A - Hah, ya, all of them are a bit Jihadi themselves. The pleasure they derive out of getting a fellow human killed, in the name of justice! That's what I was taught - "Kill them because they killed your kin, that's how justice is served in Allah's darbar!"

J - To be fair, you were eating into a lot of resources as a high-profile prisoner. You were better off than a large chunk of the Indian population which is below the poverty line.
A - Mmm.. *munch, munch - SPIT!* Damn, that rope cut into my throat, I can't swallow this juicy bit of chicken tandoori now..

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When US beckoned me by Siddharth Wagh is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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