Thursday, November 19, 2009

Lost in the House of Family Guy at South Park

I open my eyes. My hands wander over the deep gash on the side of my stomach squirting a thick red fluid. Tall palm trees sway with the sea breeze casting sunny patterns over the ground. I raise my hand to shade my eyes only to shudder at a scream calling "JACK!"... Sound of two feet running towards me and a familiar brush of brown curly hair over my face... "Kate, where am I?" Her blue eyes ooze concern & words escape her dimpled cheeks, "Jack, we got to move, we must reach the temple before sundown..." An arm round her, I try to stand up, searing pain rages in my insides... We try to walk, trundle, her warm body inspiring hope... 'Wait.. Is it getting brighter? Kate?? What's happening??' A white light pierces the sky, blinds us outright. We fall.

Hurried shuffle of feet. I am on a cart, on something white & soft, and a bandage round my waist. I try to focus on the people around. Thirteen's kohled eyes pierce my being, making me flush. 'He's awake.." she blurts. "Can you understand us, Mr... (refers the file) Shephard?", asks Dr. Chase. "Where is Kate?", I manage to whisper. Chase throws a cursive glance at Foreman who sighs, 'Lupus, just as we suspected...". "IT'S NOT LUPUS!", a sudden halt threatens to throw me overboard. A mahogany stick pecks me on the head. "Can't you see this purple patch on his scalp? It's a symptom of atrioventricular esometry." Foreman is undeterred, "How do you explain his irregular heart beats, and the brown urine?" House makes a face, "You're right about me being wrong, but wrong about you being right!" I feel a stab in my leg, " My leg, it hurts... Ahh, I can't stand it.. ARGHHHH..". House takes control, "Thirteen! 5 ml of antidopamine, Chase!! Get the MRI ready... Foreman, get Cuddy!" I pass out.

"Joe, JOE! You are my best friend, you can't leave me... Answer me now!!" I feel short of breath as I gasp for air. "PETER!! Get off my oxygen tube!!" Peter jumps down from the bed, and I heave a sigh of relief. I am in a sterile hospital room with beepers & displays. "He he... he he.. I almost farted in that tube" quips Peter. Lois snaps at her husband - "Now, that's not right Peter, we almost lost Joe, we are lucky to have him back..." SLAPP... Stewie barks "Mother! You are one weeny bitch! I studied the position of the island, geometry of stars and planned for Joe to get on the Oceanic 815 , to forever banish him from my world! How dare you bring him back!!" "Aww, Stewie, I think you need some milk, here.." She stuffs him with the bottle. "Let's get you back on the wheelchair Joe. They discharged you from Princeton-Plainsborough." They wheel me out of the room and I breathe in the fresh morning air.

The car screeches to a halt outside a two-storeyed house. Wishing me goodbye, Peter drives off to pick up Chris from the football game. I trudge along to the house and ring the bell. Stan opens the door looking aghast. "Kyle!! LOOK! Its Kenny!!" Kyle looks up from his PS3. "Whoa, man.. How are you here?? Didn't your family win a 4 day - 3 night trip to Australia or something??" I try to make sense of what they were saying just as Eric bumps in from behind. "Hey guys, hi Kenny... Guys, Kenny's mom called my mom. She says Kenny's suffering from poor-rotten-mad-cow disease and we must not play with him." Kyle yells " Up yours fat ass! Making up stories. Go find someone else to play with... Come in Kenny". Eric walks back to his tricycle, "Screw you guys! I am going home to munch on cheesy poops and play on the new PS4 that my mom got for me!!" Kyle & Stan stare agape. I join my best friends in the 'World of Warcraft' piling on points. We reach the final stage, standing under the castle. I ask Stan to lend me his enchanted sword & Kyle, half his health potion when suddenly a large dragon flies down & gulps me alive. Just before I am about to be swallowed, I hear Stewie laughing in the background, Kyle yelling "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!!" & Stan retorting "YOU BASTARDS!!"...

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When US beckoned me by Siddharth Wagh is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Tea Brewing Algorithms at 22 B

Processes: A, B, C, D
1. A makes tea.
2. B, C drink tea.
3. D may or may not drink tea.
4. A, B or C drink leftover tea.
5. A washes the vessel.

Algorithm 2:
Processes: A, B, C, D, W
1. A makes tea.
2. W pours honey on bread.
3. B, C drink tea.
4. W talks; A, B, C listen.
5. D drinks coffee in Boston.
6. W eats bread and drinks tea.
7. A washes vessel.

Algorithm 3:
Processes: A, B, C, D, X
1. A makes tea.
2. B, C drink tea.
3. D drinks coffee in Boston.
4. If B drank last, B washes vessel
Else, C washes vessel.
5. X makes separate masala tea.

Algorithm 4:
Processes: A, B, C, D, Y
1. A makes tea.
2. A assigns vessel washing task to either B, C or Y.
3. B, C, Y drink tea.
4. D drinks flavored herbal tea.
4. Assigned process may or may not wash vessel.

Algorithm 5 (Current):
Processes: A, B, C, D, Z
1. Z makes tea.
2. A, B, C drink tea.
3. D drinks tea only if ginger is added.
4. Z washes vessel.
5. Z also washes other vessels in the sink.

Process description:

A, B, C: prashu.exe, sid.exe, jay.exe (in no particular order)
D: inku.exe
W: chaitanya.exe
X: vaibhav.exe
Y: surya.exe
Z: riyaz.exe

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Meri chacheri behen ke maasi ka pota...

I can see all the desi ears prop up. Partly, because of the unusual title; and partly, because all of us have heard some version of this statement. May be at a family gathering, munching on Good Day biscuits and sipping on small cups of Taj Mahal tea. Or in a pre-nuptial-bride-skill-display ceremony on a fine Sunday morning. Or mostly when a chirpy neighbor dropped over at your house for a bowl of yogurt and began weaving tales of gossip.

At some point in time, we were always astounded by the fact that people had such strong memories of seemingly long connections. We dismissed the idea of relegating such facts to our memory, for the elusive belief that we had much more "practical" fodder for our braincells.

However sophisticated we may seem than our predecessors, our inherent human urge to gossip, or socialize for the jittery, remained unfulfilled and found its vent in the social networks which we so dearly use. "Meri chacheri behen ke maasi ka pota" simply got effaced by "Me>Chacha>beti>maasi>pota". News Feed replaced word-of-mouth gossip, and Wall Photos & Videos took over the effervescent, detailed descriptions of chewy acts. They may be besotted by the colorful life of fillum stars keeping accounts of which star remarried whom, who rejected whom, and who threw a fit on the sets. But so do we leech from Celebrity pages and websites dedicated for the single purpose of cashing in on the innate human desire to invade the private lives of others.

Technology brought edification, but we still remain the friendly neighborhood gossip-mongers at heart...

Creative Commons License
When US beckoned me by Siddharth Wagh is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.