Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Jeff Dunham and Ajmal, the Dead Terrorist

For those without context, check out ventriloquist Jeff Dunham's Achmed, the Dead Terrorist act. What follows is a similar satire on the execution of Ajmal Kasab for 26/11 terrorist attacks in Mumbai. Reader discretion advised.

(The following transcripts are taken from Jeff's private notes. The act was apparently rejected because it was not really funny.)

J - Good evening Ajmal
A - Goo *BURRPP**

J - It's not polite to burp a greeting Ajmal.
A - I know, I am sorry Jeff, it's just that the last biryani meal I had before I was hung didn't really agree with me.

J - (smiling) You mean, before you were "hanged".
A - hanged - hung - what's the difference?

J - Well, there's a joke going around that ... never mind. So you're a terrorist, eh?
A - No, I am not. I am a Jihadi.

J - Oh ok, jee-had-he.
A - No, no, no one "had" anyone. It's G - haaadh - E.

J - Okay, okay. So Ajmal, can you tell us how you became a Jihadi?
A - Oh, I used to love "The Kardashians" show, how those bitches threw tantrums and got whatever they wanted! I was really pissed when my dad didn't buy me clothes on Eid, in spite of me being a boy! So I ran away.

J - You're being sexist Ajmal.
A - I am Sexist and I know it! Wiggle wiggle wiggle...

J - Stop! Stop wiggling! So what happened after you ran away?
A - I borrowed some money from banks, vacant houses, random people at gunpoint and did other cool shit. One day, I was eating chana from a paper cone and I unrolled it to find a deal that would bring shame to your crap Thanksgiving offers!

J - Oh ya, what was it?
A - They were offering some advanced machine guns, commando-style training, swimming-sailing lessons and a truckload of virgins as a posthumous reward... ALL for killing some infidels!

J - Ah I see, you get to engage in sex and violence without any repercussions. Sounds like a plot line for Game of Thrones.
A - Hey, I'm a big fan of GoT! I used to watch it on the Plasma TV in my cell! I think they based the character of Joffrey on me!

J - Nice. So, we all know what happened next. You were the only one among your friends to get captured alive for the massacre in Mumbai.
A - Hey, they didn't "capture" me! I gave in because I had seen so many of those 'Incredible India' commercials with the punchline 'Atithi Devo Bhav', I wanted to try out Indian hospitality!

J - I doubt they did that.
A - No way! They loved me in India! A special high-security prison cell, the media discussed what food I ate, what fashion accessories I wore, what time I took a shit! They even had pages of me on Facebook to speed up the legal process and hand me over to Allah and the promised 72 virgins! I am scripting my role for Ram Gopal Varma's next film on my heroics. He promised me 28 more virgins to make it a neat 100!

J - Don't you ever feel bad for your deeds?
A - Now you sound like the Mullah who kept visiting me at odd times, especially when I was busy playing first-person shooter games on my XBox.

J - Hmm. What about your family?
A - The AQ paid them. I hope my dad doesn't throw a fit now about buying stuff for my siblings.

J - I've heard the AQ are promoting you as a martyr around your village?
A - Yup, they are gonna build my statue! I sure hope they show me hung *wink, wink*

J - Eh, do you know they are celebrating your death in India?
A - Hah, ya, all of them are a bit Jihadi themselves. The pleasure they derive out of getting a fellow human killed, in the name of justice! That's what I was taught - "Kill them because they killed your kin, that's how justice is served in Allah's darbar!"

J - To be fair, you were eating into a lot of resources as a high-profile prisoner. You were better off than a large chunk of the Indian population which is below the poverty line.
A - Mmm.. *munch, munch - SPIT!* Damn, that rope cut into my throat, I can't swallow this juicy bit of chicken tandoori now..

Creative Commons License
When US beckoned me by Siddharth Wagh is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Why Jack and Rose did not fit on the wooden plank

This image on 'imgur' has been doing the rounds of FB for a while, especially after the release of Titanic 3D. In spite of all the hoopla over why Jack couldn't be accommodated on the same wooden plank as Rose, I feel there are pressing reasons as to why it simply wasn't possible...

  1. Titanic was released in 2D. Jack and the plank occupied different planes.
  2. The plank was a chunk off the ship's elevator with a tag '1000 pounds weight limit'.
  3. Rose felt their relationship was going too fast. She needed some 'space'.
  4. Jack's elastic straps holding the pant up had broken and he was embarrassed to climb atop the plank in his briefs.
  5. Jack was Aquaman in disguise and decided to ditch Rose because she was high maintenance.
  6. The pool used to simulate the ocean was too small and salt-less to provide the required buoyancy to an overloaded plank.
  7. Jack and Rose were tributes in the Hunger Games from different districts.
  8. Jack was promised the title role in 'Pirates of the Caribbean', a sequel to Titanic. But only his first name made it.
  9. The plank was the door from a first class cabin and Jack was a third-class passenger.

Creative Commons License
When US beckoned me by Siddharth Wagh is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.