Friday, July 10, 2009

American Loo-natics...

Disclaimer: Not for the faint-hearted... i mean faint-humored.. in fact, faint-tummied.

The ultra-liberal, shiny, open-aired, sparkling clean loo at the US Consulate Library at Mumbai enchanted me the minute I entered the restroom. By loo, I mean those set of cubicles with bare minimum walls and spacious pots with the 24 hour water and tissue supply. It served as a microcosm of the American society... open, liberal and sophisticated. After coming over to the "real" USA, my first "brush" with the shamelessly luxurious American loos got me thinking of all the creative things one could do sitting at the pot, except the obvious. Those 10 minutes in that enclosed space were never ever boring. Here are some samples of my wishful thinking...

  1. Origami with tissues: Last seen, I had a swan and a sail-boat gushing down the hole.
  2. Two-player games on the cellphone: Take your turn, make your score and pass the cell to your neighboring opponent under the veil.
  3. Missile launch: Whenever someone enters the restroom for a quick pee, say aloud, "The missile is ready for take-off... 10... 9 ... 8... 7 ... " Chances are, the pee will be done quicker than your countdown.
  4. Phone-a-friend: Call someone (preferably a girl, only they could 'appreciate' the humor better), talk to them for 5 minutes and end the call saying "I am on the pot right now, talk to you later". A few daredevils could try farting at the end, but it needs to cross a certain decibel limit.
  5. Zoo-zoo-sham: Play zoo-zoo ringtones on your cell in presence of a nearby human entity.
  6. Volley-ball with tissues: Needs ample space and an obliging partner.
  7. Fart-a-thon: Again needs a compulsively obliging partner with chronic constipation on his medical records.
  8. Prose/Poetry/Caricatures on the "Wall": All-time favorite loo-time activity with the aesthetically inclined.
  9. Grooming: No comments.
  10. Drumming: The steel walls serve as an excellent percussion instrument, combined with your ring laden fingers.
  11. Coding: If you are a geek, no other place provides better solace for the busy mind.
  12. Blogging: ""Excuse me..""
  13. Shoe-lace-fiasco: If your neighbor is busy reading a newspaper (magazines might not work), reach out to tie his shoe-laces together.
  14. Tissue-smear: Smear the next round of tissue ends with chalk, white pepper or the like. If you are smart enough, you should do that 'after' you are finished.
  15. The-Ultimate-Boo: Stick a sheet of paper on the door saying in bright red letters "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!"

Notice: The writer reserves copyrights for this material and no copies are to be produced unless you are highly 'constipated' for creative thoughts...

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When US beckoned me by Siddharth Wagh is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.


$rinivas !yer said...

This is your best post ever.. this in no way indicates my taste for filth. BTW I have witnessed fart-a-thons. I avoided participation because of their intimidating nature :)

S.Wagh said...

:) thanks mate... i was meaning to write this shit since a long time... was a tad afraid of losing my readers owing to its filthy nature... :p

PoOjA SaGvEkAr said...

My bro...u will never suffer from boredom.