This secret has been well guarded for years... It's time for it to come out before everyone... I have a peculiar God's gift... I can listen to animals' talk... Yes, just like that man in his torn underpants running about in the woods with a pole tied to his back... What was his name again?? Darr, I guess...
Animals in India just didn't hold any interesting conversations to listen to... It was the usual, the dogs argued about who could overtake a running vehicle, or cats debating about whose nails were sharper, or cows contemplating about a zebra, rather a cow crossing on Indian streets... But it was as good as a cultural shock for me to listen to American animals talk... With all the violence around, I couldn't have expected the animals to do any better... Here are a few snippets of some conversations that took me aback...
(Disclaimer, yet again: Reader discretion advised...)
Overheard a few days back outside apartment 86 C, my temporary accommodation...
Eeriee silence... in an insignificant crack at the edge of the wooden floor...
Don Bedbug to his Sniper bedbug...
"Is the victim loaded with our sharp shooters?"
Sniper (sweating..) : Don... err.. Sir... we couldn't do it...
Don (stern expression) : What do you mean by that?
Sniper: Sir... forgive me Sir, the team went haywire! There were too many of them to suck up!!
Don: (thundering...) : You were given a specific task! He (Me) was the juiciest of them all!! He didn't even resist to our attack last summer! He is called the 'worst bitten' case of Cedar! And you let him go?? Scot-free??
Sniper: Please forgive me Don... We tried... We reached 126 B at the precise time that we had heard him mention on the phone... He was there... There were just two girls with him... We have loaded their beds already... All was going as planned, we had our best bugs positioned to take the plunge in his clothes when all of a sudden, a dozen men appeared from nowhere! Some were fresh, never touched at all! Our boys lost their focus! They began to move towards others...
Don (standing up...) WHAT??? It was your job to control the team! He dosen't even stay with plump bearded guy(Onkar) who massacred our best bugs that *PEEP* night! All you had to do is jump and stick to him. We would have silenced all our operations for this summer if we had him. YOU RUINED IT!!
Sniper(whimpering and begging...) I am sorry, I am so sorry!! It would not happen again... i promise...
Don (expressionless) : There shall be no 'again' for you...
His hand signals. A sharp gunshot is heard. Eerie silence follows...
Another piece overheard at a small pig farm on the outskirts of Rutgers University...
Mommy pig: Sweety... Dont go far from home, and dont get yourself dirty! The farmer won't like it!
Sonny pig: No, mommy. I won't! I am just going over to watch the food trucks coming our way. I love to see them!!!
A grrrr of engines is heard... A dozen food trucks lined up, with the big red R shining on their body, make their way into the farm... All piglets run after the trucks shouting with delight.
Sonny to Ronny: Hey, you know what??? Rutgers got the third place in the all US food recycling competition!! I bet they will reward us for our efforts!! I am sure they will have cheese cakes smeared with extra cheese in truck number 9. I will be the first one to pounce on it.
Ronny: You veggie freak! You will never know how meat tastes like. You know that cow that snorted at us last week?? They say, her pot pie lies in truck 8. I am eager to bite into her.
Sonny: You cannibals with eat your own kin!! I will stick to my veggie diet for sure.
The trucks unload their wastes into the pig eateries. A fight breaks out. The farmer fires his gun. All pigs afraid, walk slowly to their food.
Ronny to his mommy: Mommy!! Come fast... I got the cow! Lets feast on her.
Mommy: Good boy!! This looks tasty. Lets munch on.
Grunts and oinks are heard all around.
Mommy: This meat reminds me of your dad. I hope he's doing good at Peter- the farmer's place. Our caretaker told me that they always have the best food in there. And the best pigs. I will skin him alive if he goes near any piggy!!
Ronny: When will they send you there Maa??
Mommy: Soon dear. Very soon. Your dad has the same color as this ham piece here. It even smells like him! How weird!!
Ronny: Dont worry about that mommy. Yesterday, Bonny told me that his food smelt like his uncle Goofer. I think when you are thinking about someone, you can feel him all around.
Mommy: Oh my bright Ronny. You are so right!! I will pray to God that he sends you at Peter's soon enough after me. We will be a complete family again!!
Ronny: MMmmm... ya... munch,,,munch...
